Alli Side Effects In Layman's Terms
by Jeff Kay


Alli is a new over-the-counter weight-loss pill which, predictably enough, has proven to be a massive best-seller from the moment it became available. The drug, manufactured by GlaxoSmithKline, reportedly works by blocking the absorption of excess fats by the body. And folks are waddling, not walking, to their local drug stores for a chance to start on the Alli "program."

As is the case with most drugs, Alli comes with a risk of certain side effects. Or, as they're known on the company website, treatment effects. 

A person is reportedly limited to 15 grams of fat per meal, and if they go over (or even if they don't), there's a significant chance they'll find themselves out behind a shopping center somewhere, crying and clutching a wad of horrifyingly soiled undergarments, searching for a place to ditch it. 

As best as I can tell, anyway...

Since a lot of this stuff is couched in language that is technically truthful, but very carefully worded, I've taken it upon myself to go through the list of side (treatment) effects and warnings, and translate it all into layman's terms. 

I'm no scientist or doctor, and don't pretend to have any special knowledge. I'm just a person who's fairly good with words and reading between the lines... The highlighted phrases below are direct quotes from the Alli website, with my translations in between.


Undigested fat cannot be absorbed and passes through the body naturally. The excess fat is not harmful. In fact, you may recognize it in the toilet as something that looks like the oil on top of a pizza.

Here the drug makers are trying to soothe the nerves of the skeptical fatty, by speaking their language. Pizza is something fatties understand, and a big part of the reason they’re interested in Alli to begin with. Pizza is good, pizza is reassuring… even when it’s flowing from your ass like molten lava. 

The website mentions seeing the undigested fat in a toilet, but that’s clearly a best case scenario. You might also see it on the tops of your shoes, across the hood of a car, or way up the shower curtain, near the loops.

The fat passes out of your body, so you may have bowel changes, known as treatment effects.

Bowel changes. Notice how they phrase that? It means stuff will be happening the likes of which you could never have imagined. It’ll be like a daily Dean Koontz novel inside your underwear.

You may get:

gas with oily spotting

You’ll be farting Wesson oil straight through your Dockers…

loose stools

and having violent chipped beef explosions...

more frequent stools that may be hard to control

all the time, with a sphincter that can no longer be counted as a friend.

Eating a low-fat diet lowers the chance of these bowel changes. Limit fat intake in your meals to an average of 15 grams.

The McDonald’s Big Mac has 34 grams of fat, and the Burger King Whopper has 40. Eat either of these while taking Alli, and you’ll very likely be transformed into a diarrhea cannon. 

Learning how to manage treatment effects is an important part of being successful with alli. Here's how to take control:

Start trimming fat from your diet now, even before you begin taking alli. Then pick a day to begin taking alli, such as a weekend day so you can stay close to home if you experience a treatment effect. Make the timing work for you. If you're getting ready to travel or attend a social event, hold off on starting with alli until the event is over

Blowing liquid feces down a row of bridesmaids, for instance, could be viewed negatively in certain circles. Further, an unexpected bout of the power-squirts while riding “The Bullet” at the county fair might not ingratiate you with your friends. Or anyone on the fairway. Or the folks in the parking lot walking to their cars.

While no one likes experiencing treatment effects, they might help you think twice about eating questionable fat content. If you think of it like that, alli can act like a security guard for your late-night cravings

You see, when you think about it, shitting yourself is actually a positive.

You can't "save fat grams" from lunch and "spend them" at dinner. Spread your daily fat gram allowance of 15 grams on average per meal over the whole day

Cheating can lead to embarrassment, tears, and the introduction of a frantically constructed toilet paper crack-wedge in the bathroom of an Applebee's. It’s simply not worth it.    

You may feel an urgent need to go to the bathroom. Until you have a sense of any treatment effects, it's probably a smart idea to wear dark pants, and bring a change of clothes with you to work

Until you get the hang of it, you should probably take along a rolling suitcase full of brown clothes everywhere you go, while taking Alli. Luckily, however, turd-colored clothing is in this season; turd is the new vomit.

If co-workers ask about it, there is no shame in telling the truth. You might be surprised how understanding folks can be if you simply say, “I dress like this to conceal the poop that's constantly soaking through the seat of my pants.”     

You may not usually get gassy, but it's a possibility when you take alli. The bathroom is really the best place to go when that happens

Showboating is not recommended.

You can use a food journal to recognize what foods can lead to treatment effects. For example, writing down what you eat may help you learn that marinara sauce is a better option than Alfredo sauce

In addition to a handcart full of extra pants designed to camouflage your anal leakage, it might also be a good idea to carry a schematic and information wheel, so you don't repeat past mistakes and have a treatment effect halfway up your back.

I hope this information has proven to be valuable.

        

        

This book is chalk full of interesting health tidbits, child nutrition common sense, road map starting points for making change in your school.  I found some of the recipes a little involved... this isn't a quick-fix-throw-lunch-together type of book.  The recipes were refreshing, however, and I really could see my kids at least trying the Squash Phyllo Triangles or Pasta with Greens and Feta. 

The Lunch Lessons Website has a number of useful tools including the Meal Wheel, recipes, and the chance to follow Chef Ann on Twitter.

Also featured in the book is a cool lunch system called Laptop Lunches.  These lunchboxes are designed to help keep portions healthy and limit waste.  They're made from polypropylene and polyethylene, two of the safer plastics as rated by the Environmental Working Group. 

        

Very cool website designed especially for cell phone use.  Save the URLonto your phone and you're able to quickly check any type of fish forit's safety rating.  I will be using this on my next visit to Kampi Sushi, one of my favorite sushi restaurants in Dallas.

Check out the website from your phone here:

FishPhone

        

The Environmental Working Group has identified several fruits & veggies that consistently have the lowest amount of pesticide residue.  These are okay to buy 'conventional' when organic is not available:

1. avocados
2. pineapples
3. mangoes
4. kiwi
5. papayas
6. watermelon
7. grapefruit
8. onions
9. sweet corn
10. asparagus
11. sweet peas
12. cabbage
13. eggplant
14. broccoli
15. tomatoes
16. sweet potatoes

I would encourage you to purchase the organic version whenever it is available.  This promotes organic farming and farmers. Organic foods have also not been genetically modified.

Here are a couple of quick facts to help you feel great about an organic purchase:

• Most Americans have traces of at least 6 pesticides in their urine.
• Since WWII pesticide use has risen 10 fold.  During this same time period crop loss due to pests has doubled. 

        

Josh & Chuck from the Stuff You Should Know podcast tackle another chemical additive in this podcast about fluoride.  Check out this information and buy yourself a good water filter. 

Download | Duration: 00:26:28

        

Check out this fun and informative podcast from the website of How Stuff Works.com.  Josh Clark & Chuck Bryant co-host the "Stuff You Should Know" podcast with charm and charisma, adding humor to this important subject. 

When it comes to sugar, high fructose corn syrup is just like any other nutritional topic- keep it simple and natural and your body will thank you.  High fructose corn syrup is neither natural nor simple, so keep it out of your food.  For all the details and a good laugh, press play below.

Download | Duration: 00:00:00

        

Asparagus with Garlic and Pecans

Makes 4 servings

3 garlic cloves, minced
1 teaspoon olive oil
1 pound fresh asparagus, broken into bite-size pieces
1 tablespoon soy sauce
¹/₂ cup pecan halves

Sauté garlic in oil in a medium skillet. Add asparagus and soy sauce. Cook 4 to 6 minutes, stirring often until asparagus is tender. Add pecans and continue cooking for 1 to 2 minutes. Serve.

Per serving (1/4 of recipe)

• Calories: 111
• Fat: 10.3 g
• Saturated Fat: 1 g
• Calories from Fat: 83.4%
• Cholesterol: 0 mg
• Protein: 3.1 g
• Carbohydrates: 3.9 g
• Sugar: 1.5 g
• Fiber: 2.2 g
• Sodium: 230 mg
• Calcium: 23 mg
• Iron: 0.8 mg
• Vitamin C: 14.5 mg
• Beta Carotene: 274 mcg
• Vitamin E: 1 mg

Source: Amy Joy Lanou, Ph.D.

        

        

Here are some common ingredients to avoid when buying soaps, shampoos and beauty products:

• DMDM hydantoin and Imidazolidinyl urea
• Fragrance and dyes
• Methylchloroisothiazolinone and Methylisothiazolinone
• Parabens or anything with the suffex -paraben
• PEG and -eth
• sodium lauryl or laureth sulfate
• triclosan and triclocarban
• triethanolamine (TEA)
• Anti-aging creams with lactic, glycolic, AHA, and BHA acids
• Liquid hand soaps with triclosan
• Nail polish and removers with formaldehyde
• Skin lighteners with hydroquinone
• Diaper creams with sodium borate
• Baby wipes with 2-bromo-2nitropropane-1,3-diol

copy & paste this list into your phone, or print a small copy to keep in your wallet for reference at the grocery store.